The Tale of Princess Edwardina
by StellatheAlchemist
Summary: A fairy tale involving rebellious teenagers, love triangles, murder... Oh, and did I mention Edward Elric is the princess? Rated T for swearing and some violence. No pairings, just weird crazy love triangles where nobody actually ends up in a relationship. Not really a parody, kinda serious... Oh, just read it.
1. Chapter 1

**((This story is... Special. I came up with it at a sleepover, and it was originally meant to be a fairy tale parody made pretty much because I wanted to make Ed a princess. But then once I decided to actually write it down, it became more serious, with an actual plot. O_o' And then somehow Daughter of Evil became involved and it all got crazy, so it's not really much of a parody anymore... But anyway, yeah. Also, in case you can't tell I'm really freaking tired. Like, so tired I mistook Barry the Chopper for Korra. I mean, it was a weird camera angle, but still... So yeah, sorry if anything's weird or something, that would probably be why. orz I'll hopefully have the next chapter up soon. Enjoy the story, I guess? xD))**

Once upon a time, there was a ridiculously circular kingdom called Amestria. This kingdom was ruled by a wise and just king named King Roy. His wife had passed years ago, and his only child was his daughter, Princess Edwardina. Edwardina wasn't like other maidens; sure, she was beautiful and smart, but perhaps a bit too smart. She would rather spend her time reading or conversing with the royal alchemists than doing normal princess things, and even though her heart was in the right place, she was rude and loud and stubborn and did not get along well with her father, who often sighed and wondered why she couldn't be like her mother.

Despite all this, she was his daughter, after all. He only wanted the best for her, although she might argue otherwise. So when her fifteent birthday began approaching and she still remained unmarried, King Roy was naturally concerned about this issue. On the day of her fifteenth birthday, he summoned her to his throne room, determined to find her a suitor. Ten minutes later, she finally showed up, her red dress wrinkled and covered in mysterious stains along with her hands.

"What is it, father?" she asked, annoyed.

"As you know, today you turn fifteen," King Roy began.

"...So you remembered."

"What, you honestly think I'd forget your birthday?"

"Last year you thought it was four days after it actually was," Edwardina pointed out.

"Yes, well, I was very busy then."

"And the year before that, you didn't remember until-"

"ANYWAY, let's get to the point," Roy interrupted.

"And what might that be?"

"...You're fifteen now. Do you know what that means?"

"You'll finally stop bossing me around?" Edwardina asked hopefully.

"No... You need to get married," Roy explained.

"Oh hell no!" The very idea of marriage was ridiculous to Edwardina.

"Most girls are already married at your age, Edwardina. Don't think you're an exception just because you're the princess," Roy said seriously.

"But I don't WANT to get married! Everyone's too stupid! They're only interested in girls who sit around brushing their hair and picking flowers all day!" Edwardina argued.

"Yeah, well, that's life. Come on, you know you've got boys falling over at your feet. I expect you to pick one," her father said firmly.

"I don't have to do what you say!" she said stubbornly.

"Yes, you do."

"Or what?!"

"Or I'll lock you in your room for the rest of your life." He wasn't entirely bluffing.

"I hate you! You can die for all I care! You're an evil bastard and a completely horrible father!" Edwardina shouted, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door as hard as she could. Roy sighed. He didn't want to do all that to her, but he had little choice. She was the princess, she needed to get married, and he needed an heir. That was just how things were. Edwardina would just have to learn to live with that, no matter how much she disliked it. The world wasn't all fluffy unicorns and rainbows, and she'd have to learn that lesson, either the easy way or the hard way.

Edwardina had stormed off to the library, so angry she was practically steaming. She was absolutely furious, and quite upset. How could he do that to her? _Forced marriage._ That was just horrible. She shouldn't have to even have a boyfriend, much less get married! What she did with her life was her choice, not his.

"Damn it, who the hell does that bastard think he is?! He can't tell me to get married!" she shouted, punching the wall. Tears streamed down her face as she took out her rage on the innocent wall. Her knuckles were scraped and bloody from punching it so many times, and the wall had quite a few dents, but she didn't care. She was so, so very angry.

"I'm sick of this! How long is he going to keep tormenting me? It's always 'Edwardina this' and 'Edwardina that' and 'You can't do this' and 'You can't do that'! Well, screw that! I'm not going to put up with this anymore! I hate being a princess and I hate him!" she screamed to the empty room, punching the wall again for emphasis. She was just about to switch to kicking it when suddenly she got an idea. Slowly, she started to smile.

_That bastard will never see it coming._

Late that night, after she was sure everyone was in bed, Edwardina quietly put on one of her plainer dresses, some warm stockings and leather boots, and a pair of white silk gloves. She took the knife she kept under her pillow and attached the sheath to her belt, then put on a simple brown cloak. Quietly, she slipped out from her room, with nothing but a bag with a few of her belongings: some clothes, a small journal and a quill pen, some money, her hair ribbons, the pocket watch her mother had given her. Taking care not to wake anyone, she crept through the castle, avoiding the guards (which wasn't hard, as they were pretty much asleep). The torch light cast strange shadows, and the suits of armor that decorated the halls like any stereotypical medieval castle loomed large in the darkness. Still, she new the castle well, and quickly found her way out.

As an afterthought, she left a note:

_Dear Bastard,_

_ I'm leaving. That's right, I'm leaving home, and I'm __not__ coming back. Don't bother looking for me, because you won't find me, and nothing you can do will make me come back. You brought this upon yourself, you know. Maybe next time you won't be such an asshole. Oh wait, there's not going to be a next time, because I'm not coming back. Sucks to be you. Bye._

_ -Hate, Ed_

With the note left at her father's place at the table, Edwardina left the castle. She'd miss the home where she grew up, but she didn't regret her decision. If she left the castle, she'd finally get to experience life without being a princess, like normal people. Nobody to tell her what she can or can't do, no being forced to wear stupid fancy dresses, no having to be a proper lady. She could finally do what she wanted to do. Without him.


	2. Chapter 2

**((Ah, I'm sorry for how long it took for me to upload this! I actually had most of it finished for a while, but early in December I lost the will to write, and after that I was just busy... So I kind of forgot about it. *Facepalm* So I finished it up and posted it, and I should have the next chapter up soon, too. Enjoy! :3))**

Edwardina was walking. It was a chilly spring night, getting close to summer but not fully out of winter. She pulled her cloak tighter, shivering slightly. Her toes were frozen and her nose had that odd tingling sensation that makes your eyes tear up, but she ignored it. She had to get as far from the castle as possible, as quickly as possible. And so she walked on.

She walked all night, and when morning came she found herself in a small village. There she found an inn, and went inside to get some breakfast. She got a bowl of oatmeal with berries and some milk and sat down to eat, quite hungry. She watched the other inn patrons as she ate, listening to their conversations, trying to learn what things were like in the village. Interestingly, she noticed that everyone in the village had lovely green hair. She looked at her own hair, a shiny gold color, woven into a long braid tied with a red ribbon. She wondered if perhaps she could dye it. However, she soon changed her mind; she was far too fond of her hair. Nobody knew how it had gotten that color. Her father's hair was a deep black, and her mother's was a light chestnut color. Yet somehow hers was a beautiful gold, like... Well, like gold. If there was anything girly about her, it was the way she took such pride in her hair.

Tired, Edwardina sighed and slumped over against the table. She had walked all night. She didn't know how long it had been or how far she went, but she was damn tired. Her feet ached, her legs were wobbly, and there was an annoying buzzing in her head from not sleeping. She was so tired, she didn't even notice the young boy who came to collect her dishes.

"Hey, you ok, lady?" he asked concernedly, taking her plate. She jumped, startled, and relaxed when she realized it was just the inn owner's son.

"Yeah, I'm fine... just tired," she mumbled, yawning. The boy frowned.

"Where'd you come from, anyway? I know you're not from around here..."

"Central City."

"Central City? Like in Amestria?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that's the one. Why?"

"That's really far away!" the boy exclaimed.

"Well, I did walk all night..." Edwardina said, smiling wearily.

"All night?!"

"Pretty much, yeah."

To her surprise, the boy put the dishes down and ran to the kitchen, shouting something. A moment later he returned, dragging along a woman who had quite obviously been in the middle of washing dishes.

"All right, Khayal, what is it?" she asked, drying her hands off on her apron.

"This girl says she walked all night, all the way from Central City in Amestria!" the boy explained, pointing to Edwardina.

"Oh my! Is that true?" the woman asked, bringing a hand to her cheek in shock.

"...Yeah, but it's no big deal..." Edwardina replied awkwardly, not wanting to attract too much attention or cause trouble.

"What do you mean, 'No big deal'? You must be exhausted!" the woman argued, staring at Edwardina in disbelief. "Do you have anywhere to stay? You need to rest, dear."

"Uh... not really..."

"Well then, you can stay here. Khayal, go prepare a room for her," the woman commanded the boy, who went immediately.

"Y-you don't need to do that, I'm fine," Edwardina lied. "Besides, I don't really have a lot of money..."

"Nonsense, that doesn't matter. You don't worry about that."

"But I have to pay somehow!" Edwardina insisted. The woman sighed.

"If it really matters that much to you, you can work off your debt. But really, it's not-"

"That sounds good, when can I start?" Edwardina asked enthusiastically, eager to get to work.

"You can start by taking a nap," the woman said firmly.

"But-"

"Sleep. Now."

"...Fine..."

And so it came to pass that Edwardina began working at the inn. The woman's name was Anne, and her son was Khayal. His father, Halling, ran the inn. There was no shortness of work for Edwardina, and she soon earned a reputation for being a skilled alchemist, although the villagers all thought it was "magic" no matter how many times she explained it. She was often asked to repair things by the villagers, and was quickly accepted into the community.

One afternoon as she was helping Anne prepare the stew for dinner, it was discovered that there was a shortage of mushrooms.

"Hmm... Ed, I'll need you to go to the forest and get some mushrooms," Anne said, frowning at the lack of mushrooms.

"Ok. Where are they?" Edwardina asked, not familiar with the local geography.

"Not too far from the village, in the forest. You'll know them when you see them."

Edwardina put her cloak on and grabbed an empty basked to carry the mushrooms in, when suddenly Anne put a loaf of bread in the basket.

"For a snack," she explained, smiling kindly at Edwardina. Edwardina nodded gratefully and headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Khayal, who had been standing by the door, just out of sight.

"To the forest to get some mushrooms," Edwardina explained.

"Watch out for the monster," Khayal said ominously, grinning.

Edwardina rolled her eyes. "You've got to be kidding. There's no such thing," she argued.

"It's true!" Khyal insisted, jumping in front of Edwardina's path (She pushed him away with one hand). "I saw it myself!"

"Oh really? And what does this 'monster' look like?" she asked sarcastically.

"It's about 6 feet tall, and made of metal with lots of spikes that could kill you, and it has creepy glowing red eyes! I've heard that it shoots lasers from its eyes, is strong enough to crush your skull with its bare hands, and if you look into its eyes it'll eat your soul!" He jumped around and gestured for emphasis. Edwardina burst out laughing, causing Khayal's face to turn bright red in embarrassment.

"I'm serious! Ask anyone around here, they'll tell you the same thing! And if you're not careful, it'll get you too!" he insisted, honestly believing in his story.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be careful," Edwardina said dismissively, and started on her way to the forest, ignoring Khayal's protests.

Edwardina walked along the path nonchalantly. She snorted as she recalled Khayals warnings. Monsters? Ha, yeah right. There was no such thing. And even if there was, any monster that tried to eat her would have a close encounter with her fist. She was no damsel in distress, that was for sure. Heaven only knows, sometimes she was more like a monster herself. Not the sort of person you wanted to mess with.

Besides that, there was no such thing as monsters. They were just fictional creations made to scare little children into behaving. That, or stupid uneducated idiots who were too dumb to use scientific methods would see something they didn't understand, and label it a monster. It was probably just a large bear or something.

...Or at least, that was what she thought, before she walked straight into something very large and very cold.


	3. Chapter 3

**((Finally got this chapter done... I wrote most of it last night, but finishing it was a bit of a chore. Oh well. I'm going to work on another story for now, but I'm not abandoning this one. Just taking a little break. :3 After all, two chapters in just a few days is plenty. Things will get more interesting next chapter, so keep reading!**

**Also, I wasn't going to include this, but everyone else does, so... Reviews don't hurt? :3 I know everyone's been giving me mostly positive responses to this story (Except for SOMEONE who insisted that Edwardina and Alphonse can't get married... . Although you were right, like always. But still. THEY'RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. T^T), but I still like to hear what people think. So go ahead and review. Tell me what you liked best, if you think I'm doing it wrong, what you predict will happen... Whatever you feel like saying, say it. I like comments. :D**

**Wow, that was a long author's note. ._.' Sorry. On with the story!))**

Edwardina rubbed her nose confusedly. She had just crashed into something big, and seemingly made of metal. Curious, she walked around it, wondering what it was. To her surprise, it spoke.

"What, have you come to kill me?" it asked bitterly, not moving. Edwardina blinked.

"...Why would I kill you..?" Now that she could see it more clearly, it was obvious what the "monster" was. It was nothing more than some guy in a suit of armor, probably a soldier who had gotten lost. Actually, from the sound of it, it was probably a girl. That, or a very large prepubescent boy, but that was obviously impossible.

"Well considering everyone hates me, I figured they would send someone to kill me sooner or later," the person replied. Edwardina was confused.

"Why would anyone hate you? And who's they? Do you mean the villagers?" she asked, not quite understanding. The suit of armor shrugged.

"Who else? There's nobody around."

"Ok then... They're probably just confused. I bet they've never seen a suit of armor. Nice people and all, but they've got no brains," Edwardina explained, rolling her eyes. She sat down next to the armor.

"What's your name?" she asked, curious about this mysterious stranger.

"Why should you care?"

"I don't, really. But I don't see how I'm supposed to talk to you without knowing your name."

"What does it matter? Nobody actually thinks of me as a person, anyway. No point in telling you."

"That's ridiculous. Nobody could be THAT stupid," Edwardina said confusedly. The suit of armor stared at the ground.

"They're not stupid. They're right," it said quietly, with a hint of sadness. "And you can stop pretending. I know you don't care."

Edwardina sighed. "Look, I don't know what your deal is, and I don't care. Whatever those idiots have to say is irrelevant. I'll decide for myself what I think of you. Now would you please tell me your name?"

"...Alphonse," it- apparently he- said after a long pause. Edwardina was surprised.

"You mean you're a guy?!"

"Of course I am," he replied, sounding shocked that Edwardina might think otherwise. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you... I mean... How old are you?"

"Fourteen."

"Awfully tall for fourteen."

Alphonse said nothing, only stared at the ground again. Edwardina frowned, concerned and determined to solve this "problem" she had just discovered.

"Anyway... I'm Edwardina, but you can just call me Ed if you want. Mind if I call you Al?"

Alphonse shrugged, which Edwardina took to be a no. She then carried on the conversation, hoping for some answers.

"So, Al, what are you doing out in the forest all by yourself?" she asked.

"I live here," he replied simply. "I'm not allowed to go near the village anymore, so... I just stay here."

"Why? Don't you have anywhere else to go?"

"No."

"What about family?"

"I don't have one."'

"Oh." Now it was Edwardina's turn to stare at the ground. She bit her lip, feeling guilty for being so insensitive.

"Sorry," she mumbled quietly.

"It's fine."

Unsure of what to do next, Edwardina took the bread from her basket and took a bite. Then she got an idea and pulled a piece off, which she then offered to Al.

"Want some?"

"Oh, um... N-no thanks," Al said nervously, which made Edwardina suspicious.

"You sure? It's really good."

"I'm... not hungry, but thanks anyway..."

Quietly, Al pulled a piece of chalk from the pocket strapped to his leg and began to draw intricate designs on the ground next to him, without quite paying attention. He didn't even notice he was doing it, but Edwardina did.

"You're an alchemist?" she asked, intrigued.

"Huh? Oh, uh... yeah." Al quickly put the chalk away, embarrassed.

"Those are really good! Mine are never that- OW! Damn mosquitoes." Edwardina slapped at said mosquito, which got away. Unfortunately for the mosquito, Edwardina was the sort of person who never gave up on anything, even when she should.

"Alright, you little bastard," she mumbled, standing up to try to catch the mosquito. She grabbed it, only for it to escape again and fly off. She followed it and grabbed it again, with the same result. She jumped for it and tripped on Alphonse, sending them both crashing to the ground.

"Ow... Damn that evil little insect," she cursed, rubbing her head. She stood up. Just then she noticed that Al's helmet had gotten knocked off, and went to retrieve it.

"Here," she said, and started to give it to him, then stopped. She dropped the helmet in shock as she realized something: The armor was empty.

"...You... you're..."

"Uh... please don't be scared... I can explain," Al said awkwardly, not sure what to do. This brought Edwardina to her senses.

"I'm not scared!" she insisted. "It just... startled me. That's all." She tried to look calm, and picked up the helmet (His head?) and gave it to him, her heart beating like crazy. What _was_ he? Why was the armor empty? Could the helmet-head move on its own? So many questions raced through her head as she tried to be cool, hoping it wasn't as bad as it looked. She slowly sat back down as he put his head back on.

"I'm really sorry about that," Al said quietly. "It's not as weird as it looks, really."

"N-no, it's fine," Edwardina said nervously. She couldn't help glancing at him, and then silently scolding her curiosity and hoping he wouldn't notice. "So, uh..."

"...I... I was cursed," he explained, drawing transmutation circles again. "My body was taken from me. I've been like this for a few years now."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Ed said, and she meant it. It sounded horrifying. Hell, she was upset by it, and she wasn't even the one who was cursed.

"Why were you cursed?" she asked, hoping she wasn't being too invasive.

"Because the world hates me, and so does everyone else," Al replied sadly. He sighed and stared at the ground.

They sat there for a while, both deep in thought, until finally the silence was broken by Edwardina.

"I don't hate you," she said. This surprised Al.

"Why not?"

"Why would I?"

"Everyone else does..."

"Well, in case you hadn't noticed, they're all idiots," Ed stated.

"Then why are you here?"

"Because it's convenient, and they're not questioning me." She shrugged. Then she pulled her cloak around her tighter, a bit chilly. This made her notice that the sun was going down.

"Aw, crap. I better go." She sighed, and then remembered something. "Oh! Have you seen any mushrooms?" she asked, preferring not to go back empty-handed after all that time. Al nodded.

"Yeah, they're over by that tree," he said, pointing to a very large and very old tree.

Edwardina said thanks and quickly collected some, then set off back to the village. She smiled to herself as she went. She had a plan, and she was determined to see it through; but not yet. She'd have to wait until the next day. Still, it was better than nothing, and she knew what she had to do. Now to see how it would go.


End file.
